Addiction and Alcoholism— a Diary

Self-reflection for Recovery from Addiction

The Beginning. Intensive treatment, inspirational tarot cards, a group of girls seeking privacy in a room we called home. Strangers really — connected only by our commonality — addiction. We excitedly and with purpose waited our turn to draw a random card. The words on the tarot card would be revealed and define a part of our journey at that exact moment in time. It was surreal how the cards spoke to each one of us as though we had cried out to the universe to make sense of why we were here and how we would get out of this room.

“I am moving forward fearlessly, trusting that each step I take I will be guided perfectly.” In the summer of 2009, that Tarot card became my daily affirmation, and would lead me to let go of the fear that had paralyzed me for years. To trust in the unseen, extend my hand with anticipation that someone would grab it and show me the way. It was as if I was blind-folded, my reality was darkness and the only way out was asking for help. Those simple tarot card words I recited several times a day became a part of me and a part of my progress. I began to understand the steps I was taking — sometimes forward — sometimes back. I began to see Steps 1, 2 and 3 emerge from those words on my card and give me hope.

Over the past few years, I began to internalize the steps, ask questions on what they meant to me, how they transformed me and gave light to my life. In doing so I began to write short, personal, lived experiences which embodied the miracle of the steps from the inside out.

I am sharing my Steps Revealed (Step 1, 2 and 3) with the hope that perhaps it reveals a little in you too. Perhaps you, like me, want to live differently. Perhaps you, like me, now see things differently. I became ready to see the steps, not as a threat to my self-preservation, but as a relief to know I would be “guided perfectly.”

I hope you pause at a blank screen, easel, or journal which I call Reflection Spaces and write, color, draw, make music, or doodle your thoughts, your mantra, your revelations on how Step 1 and then 2 and then 3…..are shaping and becoming a part of you. Should tears drop on the blank page or emotions arise I believe it is a gift you give yourself from those painful places deep inside. I believe we all have a story. I believe stories are meant to be shared. Sharing creates community. Community creates safe spaces. Safe spaces create a sense of belonging. Belonging is the “we” I so desperately needed. My greatest hope for you in reading a little piece of me is the realization that I am like you, and you are like me and we need each other to live.

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable. What does Step 1 mean to me?

I finally discovered my powerlessness and unmanageability while in treatment at Hazelden. It was a painful, self-discovering, humbling process of finally journaling the truth of my life from the inside out (refer to a Woman’s Way.) I did not know how to look at myself, really look at myself, because I had spent my entire life externally focused. I was good at controlling my emotions, controlling others, controlling the damage control, of the lack of control that happened when I drank. All the while, I was losing the illusion of control because unpredictability was lurking every time I took a drink. This was my normal. The oxymoron of this way of thinking was that in truth my life was controlled chaos. The amount of control I believe I have is directly proportional to the amount of denial I am in. My counselor at Hazelden looked me squarely in the eye one day and firmly said this to me. It was profound. I stopped talking and paused. I had to look at the rationalizing, the perpetual differentiation I so desperately clinged to, and slowly begin to open myself up to the possibility that I had less power than I thought. I was continually pushed to reveal the things I had done drinking and not the things I hadn’t done “yet.” I was continually forced to examine my fears, my emotional fragility, my likeness to others which moved me closer to surrender. I was at war internally desperately trying to hold on to the only safety I knew, the only identity I was familiar with. Which for me was one of detachment, chaos, and self will. If I admit, I am weak. If I surrender, I am vulnerable. If I cannot manage, I am lost. If I am honest, I need to change. If I let go, I am afraid. I clearly had removed myself from the consequences of my life through denial and self-preservation. At all costs I wanted to protect my external view to you. As I continued to fight Step 1 — Step 1 fought me. As I struggled to find power and manageability, powerlessness and unmanageability continued to reveal itself. As my insides could no longer maintain the facade of control, I lost control over my emotions and wept constantly. Step 1 was a realization of opposites for me. When I connected with the words of Step 1 that finally reached my inner being I cannot absolutely say. What I can say is that as I searched to believe in Step 1 — Step 1 found me. Step 1 was about acceptance, change, relief, and honesty. I never realized how much honesty, openness and willingness really guided me to Step 1 but those principles did. Today I view my powerlessness as freedom from myself, peace over the fight. Today I view unmanageability as “life on life’s terms.” I am like you — you are like me — let’s share our stories from Step 1 forward.

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. What does Step 2 mean to me?

From the Big Book (pg. 44) — ”If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things (oh how we could will these things) with all our might, but the needed power wasn’t there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.” Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Herein lies the difficulty. Is this God? Is this religion? Is this the power that I grew up with as a child believing if I did good, was good, I was loved? If I did bad, well that was another story. How could I rely on something greater than myself when fear, feeling unforgiven and unworthy of love was my reality. My vertical view of God created more and more distance between my ability to believe that restoration could occur. See, here I am, making bad decisions, committing uncontrollable and unforgivable choices, morally and spiritually bankrupt. But are they really uncontrollable? Don’t I have the power, the ability, the intellect, the innate goodness, the control, the self-preserving capability to right my wrongs — get it right — fix it myself? God or something “greater” can’t do that for me, it is up to me. This illusion of self-control perpetuated the distance of believing something greater than myself could restore me to sanity. My lack of willingness and the continual disappointment in myself moved me further and further away from a spiritual solution in my life. A Woman’s Way says “coming to believe means setting aside this illusion of control.” But for so many years, self-absorption, self-will, control and a tortured soul would prevent me from finding my way

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Isn’t that how the “book” describes our progress to belief, faith and connection to finding something to believe in? For me, over the past 30 years I always had the belief that God existed. I just didn’t know how to live my life with God in it. My journey to embracing this step showed up in my life before I even knew what this step meant. As a seeker for a spiritual compass to help repair and restore the emptiness and darkness that filled my life, I continued to seek something that could give me self-preservation, self healing and comfort. During many periods of darkness in my life, I went back to church. I surrounded myself with angels in my home (which to this day I am still surrounded by.) I got abstained by a priest only to find myself restless and lonely. Self forgiveness and the unconditional love and belief that a higher power could restore my brokenness eluded me. Perhaps you feel like me.

The Woman’s Way talks about Step 2 as “becoming receptive to the idea of spiritual guidance — whether that comes from a Higher Power, an Inner Knowing, or in some other form. This healing energy, this grace, can become a guiding presence.” For me, if I walk in the direction of faith, I will eventually find it. The truth for me in Step 2 is that I am not alone. Hope, love, healing, undefined warmth, beauty and joy exist in the world because it just does. I don’t have to ask why or how, I just have to let go and let it happen. Ahhh, how comforting it is to believe in infinite possibilities greater than myself.

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God, as we understood him. What does Step 3 mean to me?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can’t. God can. I will let God. These short, specific, and to the point phrases were shared with me from a friend with over 35 years of sobriety. Could the 1st — 3rd steps be synthesized down to these simple yet powerful words packed with some punch? Maybe for some, maybe not for others. I described my view of God in Step 2 and came to the realization that I was comfortable with my belief in God but had not known how to live my life with God in it. I had childhood and adulthood fatigue in God from the distress of never feeling worthy enough. I longed for love and forgiveness that a God of my understanding would provide me. It took me awhile just sitting with the concept of a “power greater than myself,” a God who could comfort me, and restore me. I honestly didn’t know how my lifetime (growing up Catholic) belief in this distant God was really going to manifest itself deep within my heart. Then stories from my fellow treatment “sisters” describing their “Higher Power” in nature, in the divine, in fellowship, in Mother Earth, in Buddha, in the Universe opened the door wide open and I began to see the love in my Higher Power I choose to call God. If it sounds like I am rehashing Step 2, I am a bit. The reason why is that the truth is that when I first tried to get sober and heard the word “God” I was out. Full stop. For me, it was fear, an excuse, and zero willingness and I used the “God talk” as a way out. The mention of God doesn’t even come up until Step 3 and it’s surrounded by the words “as we understood him.” I heard none of that. So back to I can’t. God can. I will let God. Those poetic, yes poetic phrases settle in me now so differently than those earlier attempts at sobriety. In those earlier attempts, I was honest, open and willing to tell you all the reasons why the “religion of God” wasn’t my cure. I don’t know if it is helpful to you or not to take pause. Sit, write, doodle, create art, music, poetry or any creative outlet that really occupies your being and see what the word God brings up for you too. I know it was helpful for me when I created something I called my “God Box.” A shoebox I covered with art consisting of clippings from dozens of magazines I searched through for words and images that spoke to me. I then glued together a spiritual collage on my shoebox in a way that felt “outside of myself.” This piece of art I didn’t even fully understand at the time, I still have to this day, 10 years later. It is filled with notes, desperate thoughts, prayers, tear soiled requests and gratitude. It is tattered and torn. Tape upon tape is holding the images together. When I look back on the words I chose, the images I cut out, the placement of the cutouts, my “God” was guiding me perfectly somehow. Words/art/graphics such as “Why silence applies the spirit.” “Because God Whispers — being silent means more than just holding your tongue. It means listening for the softest most subtle sounds of all — the sound of the soul.” “How faith can heal.” “I’m on the mend.” “A woman’s face with the words “I’m at peace with this.” “Foster gratitude.” A woman’s face with the words “I won’t let this defeat me.” “I know he’s watching over me.” “Breath to the rescue.” These magazine articles, graphics, and words were not written about addiction, or turning over my will, or finding a God of my understanding yet these were the words and graphics that elevated themselves as I turned page after page of dozens of magazines. “As we understood God.” To me, made a decision and as we understood are the key elements of Step 3. The freedom to choose what that higher purpose, higher being, higher aura or whatever you may call it was liberating to me. For me, the important thing I learned as this step began to transform me was that I, me, myself, was not it. My addiction had driven me to a self-centered, self-absorbed way of living. Frankly, when I was in active addiction allowing a higher purpose or higher power into my world would have escalated the shame that penetrated my soul. If I could keep my world focused on me then I could keep the demons at bay just one day longer. Step 3 for me is saying I no longer want to be alone. I no longer want to be trapped in the isolation, self-hatred, shame, and darkness gasping for air. I no longer want to rely on me and me only. In order for restoration and healing to begin I must decide to let the goodness and grace of a God of my understanding work in my life. Yes, I let go and let “God.”

So who am I today after filling my “white space?” Who am I after my lived experiences working these Steps? I am imperfect in a perfect way. I am filled with spiritual happenings, and a daily presence of something greater than myself. I am a student of my higher power (which for me I call God). The shame and fear that has penetrated my being and oozed through my pores unknowingly to others no longer has power over me. Today, I am comfortable in my own skin. Just today my skin radiates hope, love, and forgiveness. Every wrinkle on my face tells a story. Joy, laughter, sadness and truth. I see myself, really see myself, when I look in the mirror. The strength and the power of recovery and its life changing miracles shines through my eyes when I really look.

Today I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a cancer survivor, an alcoholic and AA member who cares about doing the next right thing. I need you to help me build character, be well and stay well. The steps, AA and its rooms continue to teach me compassion, patience, unexplainable connection and safety. Today, I am grateful that the power of we helps me. Today, I am a girl who continues to struggle with self-doubt and maneuvers that take me off the path. But today, I can accept my humanness, share my insecurities, and bring myself from darkness to light quickly and without shame. You tell me “it is ok” and you mean it, and those 3 words comfort me. Today, I am reflective after visiting these pages, the past, the emotional masks I wore, and the despair and truth about my addiction. I am grateful to have pushed through it, to have revealed my secrets, my isolation, and the denial and disconnect the reality of my life has revealed to me. It is only through your warmth and understanding that I actually trust now, that I am like you and you are like me. Our stories intersect in a profound way that allows me to believe we are all part of the same novel. Today, I am writing from a place of calm and peacefulness. Just for today, I am moved by the words that come from my heart without criticism and fear. I am grateful I can share just who I am today because for today, just like my affirmation at Hazelden, “I am moving forward fearlessly, trusting that each STEP I take I will be guided perfectly.”